Tearin’ Up My Heart

By the end of this very week, I will be on another long haul, 13-hour flight back home. So quick, so much anticipation, yet so much mixed feelings.

I have been rather nomadic over the past two years, been hopping about from city to city traveling, studying and now working. I probably have not stayed put in a place for more than six months continuously, and so when people ask me if I’m looking forward to going back home, I don’t really know the answer.

This will probably be my last long haul flight, at least for quite a while. I know for sure that I will miss this limitless freedom to travel, going wherever my soul pleases and feet take me. I know for sure I will miss exploring new places, getting lost in new cities with complex urban plans, and stumbling upon special zen spots by accident which I will claim to be my secret hideout for that city. And I will miss running to my secret hideouts or favourite quiet spots to ponder about the world at large. Traveling has changed me a million times over, in any and every way. It gives you so much adventure, and so many reasons why life is worth living.

So on one hand it is really hard to part with the hands of a nomad and return home where life feels stable, routine and grounded. It is honestly upsetting when I begin wondering when will be the next time I get to backpack to somewhere foreign again and let this world amaze me with its awesomeness. And somewhere deep inside I fear that for some reason, I may not even get to travel like this ever again.

On the other hand, I have been away from home quite long enough – I must admit. Home sickness does loom over you when you’ve been gone for too long. Never ever underestimate the power of home. People who will stand by you no matter where you are and what you do. Things that you’d deem so familiar that its merely second nature to you. Being home always makes me feel like I’ve got a new boost of strength and energy, ready to take life’s challenges ahead regardless what they might be. And so yes, I do yearn to feel grounded in some place I have known for as long as I can remember and indulge in the comfort of familiarity.

The bottom line is that my heart is torn into two — dying to stay yet begging to leave.

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